heard a good one lately please send it to
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updated June 2008
Thanks to my regular contributors, Jaz, Hanna, Boris ,Stuellis, Serena, Will, Laurie, Robin, Bill, Bob & Sarah,
---
25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE..........
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day
and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night
with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice
car, big bed
and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems
to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and
find a hot 25
year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa
bed.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your
mid-life
crises....
A Monastic Chuckle
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws
of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be
picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried
and goes down to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the
"R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE
----
Are you A Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was,
But I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
----
Blonde Cowboy
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots
So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like
this?
Cowboy: " Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and
this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with
her....and I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt,..so
I did....
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..So I did...
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...So I
did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says: "Now go to
town cowboy...."
So here I am.
-----
Differences
A psychologist was discussing the differences between men and women and
arrived at the topic of a "special evening" and things that please each sex.
After a detailed
discussion with his colleagues, he arrived at the following:
For women, a man should:
Show up with candy and flowers.
Complement hair, dress and perfume.
Take her out to a romantic candlelight dinner.
Make sure dinner conversation revolves around her.
Cap the evening with champaign and soft music.
Hugs and kisses ...
For a man, a woman should:
Show up naked; Bring beer!
-----
The Preacher's Ass
A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there
was a
fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it
in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses
was so steep
that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured,
however, that
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the
races.
To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The
next day
the paper read:
PREACHERS ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another
race. This
time it won, and the paper read:
PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to
get rid of
the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a
nun in a
nearby convent. The headline the next day said:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose
of the
donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her
hands for ten bucks. The paper said:
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the Bishop the next day....
-----
Camping with The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and
are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions
of stars." What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord
is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb Ass,
someone has stolen our tent!"
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3.
Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions ... Please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her door bell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions, but the damn frog just SITS there!'
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother say's, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna' tell him or should I?'
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT
THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
the Sister
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as
you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before
the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You
may speak two
words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by
the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food
would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine
in to his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
> _______________
>
> The Sensitive Man
>
> A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they
end up leaving together.
>
> They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely
filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
>
> There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows,
covering the entire wall!
>
> It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of
thought he had put into organizing the display.
>
> There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized
bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous
bears running all the way along the top shelf.
>
> She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have
such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed
by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share
a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds
herself thinking,
>
> 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
>
> Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns
to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
>
> He responds warmly.
>
> They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically
lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they
rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is
so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she
> has ever known.
> After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with
this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
> "Well, how was it?"
>
> The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply
into her eyes, and says...
> "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
Wal-Mart
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.What does she look like?"
"The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
hat does your wife look like?" To which the first old
guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
The Weshman and the Englishman
A Welshman and an Englishman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Englishman says to the Welshman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and bed your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Welshman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
Hockey Sensation
The NJ DEVILS foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.
The DEVILS sign him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.
Two weeks later the DEVILS are down 4-0 to the Rangers with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minute s and wins the game!
When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says.
"I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time, playing a game."
The young Iraqi is v ery upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom. "It's your
fault we moved to Newark in the first place."
_________________________________________________________________
Simply intended to make you SMILE !!!!!!
Me in E.A.
********************************************************************************************
This is what sad looks like.
This is what sorry looks like.
This is what bad spelling looks like.
This is what intimacy looks like.
This is what deaf looks like.
This is what stupid looks like.
This is what 'oh shit' looks like.
This is what your tax dollars look like.
This is what 'I can wait' looks like.
This is what a Nightmare looks like.
This is what a blonde's car looks like.
This is what 'I thought your husband was out of town' looks like.
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you smile, your friends will smile too!
A WINTER STATISTIC
98% OF CANADIANS SAY 'OH SHIT' JUST BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH
ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM QUEBEC AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH
THIS.'
The Perennial Problem
MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH
A British company is developing computer chips that store music
in women's breast implants.
This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem.
The perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
the coffin
Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,
the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ....
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his
door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP! ....
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps. .
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the
door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ....
his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of
ROBITUSSIN .
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as
hard as he can at the apparition,
and...
the coffin stops.
Plastic surgery
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but
how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply."
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to
get
some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting
next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
when I
was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands
under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you
are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets
the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and
he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and
rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she
says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,
how could
you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get
mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at McDonalds."
Lousiana Logic
A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing
an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
Boudreaux the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very
good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however,
says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue,
and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a blank
check and says, "I don't care what it costs, just have my
husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight
she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle
chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly. She says to Boudreaux,
"Whatever the suit cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent
job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her
astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check. "Dere's
no charge," he says. "No, really, I must pay you for
the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," Boudreaux says, "it didn't cost
me a ting. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was
wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded
him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said
it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So, I just switched the heads."
A Jew & 2 Arabs
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat
and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an old Jewish man sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Jew kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes
and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to
get up and
get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Jew, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get
it for
you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the man's shoe
and spat
in it.
When the old man returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the old man obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the man's other shoe
and
spat in it.
When the old man returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As
the plane was landing, the old Jew slipped his feet into his shoes
and
knew immediately what had happened.
'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked.
'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
When will it end?
Why men are not allowed to write advice columns
WALTER'S PROBLEM PAGE
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Smith
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
home depot
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Walt , the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, " Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Q . What does HMO stand for?
>>
>> A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY
> MOE ." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe
> of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient
> could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was
> poked hard enough in the eye.
>>
>>
>> Q . I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be
> to choose the doctor I want?
>>
>> A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your
> parents . Your insurer will provide you with a book
> listing all the doctors in the plan . The doctors
> basically fall into two categories: those who are no
> longer accepting new patients, and those who will see
> you but are no longer participating in the plan . But
> don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the
> plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
> half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world
> country.
>>
>>
>> Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require
> pre-certification?
>>
>> A. No. Only those you need.
>>
>>
>> Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
>>
>> A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any
> treatment.
>>
>>
>> Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms
> of medicine?
>>
>> A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
>>
>>
>> Q . My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but
> I need the name brand . I tried the generic
> medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should
> I do?
>>
>> A. Poke yourself in the eye .
>>
>>
>> Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
>>
>> A . You really shouldn't do that .
>>
>>
>> Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor
> insists he can handle my problem . Can a general
> practitioner really perform a heart transplant right
> in his/her office?
>>
>> A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're
> risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in
> giving it a shot .
>>
>>
>> Q . Will health care be different in the next
> decade?
>>
>> A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an
> appointment by then.
>>
>>
>> To Your Good Health (because as you'll see, you'll
> need it !)
>>
>
>
The Blonde joke to end all blonde jokes
>>>
>>> A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
>>> little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
>>> police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde
cop
>>> asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
>>> through her purse and was getting progressively more
>>> agitated. What does it look like?" she finally
asked.
>>> The policewoman replied, "It's square and it
has your
>>> picture on it." The driver finally found a square
>>> mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it
to
>>> the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde
>>> officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
>>> saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize
you were a
>>> cop"
The Party
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were home in the driveway during the middle of the day. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
the Bible
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his
father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal. "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about
the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle
for the
offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been
real proud. You
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying
your
Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man was ready for the question. "You know, Dad,"
he said, " I've
been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the
Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair
and Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere
they went?"
no sex since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of them approached the Sergeant
Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took
his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now!!!!"
Country Funeral
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen, " "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer, and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard
one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen
anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years".
Over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
*************************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
****************************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to
the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
"However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed
up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
" Best place in town to take a leak."
Kids and grandparents
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He
was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start
at 1?"
------------------------------------------------------------
After putting her grandchildren to bed for a sleepover, a grandmother
washed off her makeup, changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse
and began to color her hair. As she heard the children getting
more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she
stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say in a trembling
voice, "Who was THAT?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.
I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma,
do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished
my halo while I asked , "No, how are we alike?" "You're
both old," he replied.
-------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's
it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied.
"I can't read."
-------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet,
so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask
what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct.
But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for
the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these yourself!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them
before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
-------------------------------------------------------------
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma,"
he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her
cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you
make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."
-------------------------------------------------------------
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the
ladder pregnant." The teacher asked, "Do you know what
pregnant means?" Sure," said the young boy confidently.
"It means carrying a child."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children
started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another,
"he's just for good luck." A third child brought the
argument to a close: "No, they use the dogs to find the fire
hydrant."
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Thoughtful Insights .....
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30¢?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located
among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't
got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists
are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture
in charge of immigration.
Making a Baby
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to
use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well,
I'm
off now The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
"I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and
have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the ba thtub,
one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out
for Harry
and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd
love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with
that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus,"
he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park
to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide
with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more
than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just
had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed
on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up
my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
Wisconsin cow.... Male Intuition
>>> The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped
giving milk. The
>>> people did some research and found they could buy
a cow up in
>>> Antigo, Wisconsin, for $200.00.
>>>
>>> They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was
wonderful. It
>>> produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people
were pleased
>>> and very happy.
>>>
>>> They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow
and produce more
>>> cows like it. They would never have to worry about
their milk supply
>>> again.
>>>
>>> They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with
their beloved cow.
>>>
>>> However whenever the bull came close to the cow,
the cow would move
>>> away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the
cow would move
>>> away from the bull and he could not succeed in his
quest.
>>>
>>> The people were very upset and decided to ask the
Vet, who was very
>>> wise, what to do.
>>>
>>> They told the Vet what was happening.
>>>
>>> "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves
away. If he
>>> approaches from the back, she moves forward. When
he approaches her
>>> from the front, she backs off. An approach from the
side and she
>>> walks away to the other side."
>>>
>>> The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you buy this
>>> cow in Wisconsin?"
>>>
>>> The people were dumbfounded, since they had never
mentioned where
>>> they bought the cow.
>>>
>>> "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
>>>
>>> "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
>>>
>>> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
>>>
>>> "My wife is from Wisconsin."
Cowboy Boots
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still
didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on,
she had worked up a
sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough,
they were. It wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than It was putting them on. She
managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots
back on, this time
on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
"Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again,
she struggled to
help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're
my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered
up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on
his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your Mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Blonde Joke
> >A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business
has gone bust
> and
> >she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that
she decides to
> ask
> >her
> >God for help.
> >She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've
lost my business and
> if I
> >don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me
> win
> >the lottery."
> >Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
> >She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery!
I've lost
> >my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as
well."
> >Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
> >Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken
me? I've lost
> my
> >business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often
> >ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant
to You. PLEASE
> >let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get
my life back in
> >order."
> >Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open.
> >The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of her God, Himself....
> >"Sweetheart, work with me on this one, buy a ticket."
> >
>
>
Male or female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
| FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. |
 |
|
| PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. |
 |
|
| TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated. |
 |
|
|
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them
to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse. |
 |
|
| SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. |
 |
|
|
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. |
 |
|
| TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. |
 |
|
| EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. |
 |
|
|
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. |
 |
|
|
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying. |
 |
|
updated June 2008 sorry it took so long to update. ( i'm busy running a business) Ha Ha