heard a good one lately please send it to

joke master@newmantools.com

 

thanks to my regular contributors, Jennifer, Jaz and Sheldon and John and Joe and Celine, Adonis

 

the hearing aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"


thoughts to ponder:

He who laughs last, thinks slowest. =

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. =

 

A day without sunshine is like ... night. =

 

On the other hand, you have different fingers. =

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. =

 

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. =

 

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. =

 

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. =

 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. =

 

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. =

 

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted =

then used against you. =

 

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges
didn't grow there. =

 

Honk if you love peace and quiet. =

 

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? =

 

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. =

 

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed=
=

it on the cost of living. =

 

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. =

 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something =

right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. =

 

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, =

someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. =

 

You can't have everything, where would you put it? =

 

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's =

population. =

 

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by tho=
se =

who got there first. =

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. =

 

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. =

 

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. =

 

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. =

 

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. =

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright un=
til

you hear them speak. =

 


 

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine - "la maison".
"Pencil" in French, is masculine - "le crayon".

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did
not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she
split
the
class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to
decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the
feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computer is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!


Stress Seminar

Last week a guy went to a seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr.
Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.

He gave an example of coping skills for job stress, which I would like
to share with you.

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try
This:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section
Where thermometers are kept. You will need to purchase a rectal
thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.Change to very
comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer
and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the
thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the
statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is
PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do
not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.

 

 


Good Irish Catholic Boys

 

Young Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

 

"Yes, Father, it is."

 

"And who was the woman you were with?"

 

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

 

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

 

"I cannot say."

 

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

 

"I'll never tell."

 

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

 

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

 

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

 

"My lips are sealed."

 

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then ?"

 

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

 

The priest sighs in frustration."You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

 

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

 

"Five good leads," says Tommy.


the doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch
near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her
husband never to touch it. For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone,
until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day, when he was putting their
affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold
something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in
cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother
gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make
a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him
twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, that's the money I made
selling the doilies."

 


trivia

> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced
> > > > enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
> > > > (Hardly seems worth it)
> > > >
> > > > If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
> > > > produced
> > > > to create the energy of an atomic bomb
> > > > (Now that's more like it)
> > > >
> > > > The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body
> to
> > > > squirt blood 30 feet
> > > > (OMG...!)
> > > >
> > > > A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> > > > (In my next life I want to be a pig)
> > > >
> > > > A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to
> > > > death.
> > > > (Creepy)
> > > > (I'm still not over the pig)
> > > >
> > > > Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> > > > (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work?)
> > > >
> > > > The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to
> > its
> > > > body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
> > > > ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
> > > >
> > > > The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping
> > the
> > > > length of a football field.
> > > > (30 minutes...can you imagine??)
> > > >
> > > > The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
> > > > (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
> > > >
> > > > Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> > > > (I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)
> > > >
> > > > Butterflies taste with their feet.
> > > > (Something I always wanted to know)
> > > >
> > > > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> > > > (Hmmmmmm........)
> > > >
> > > > Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
> left-handed
> > > > people do.
> > > > (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
> > > >
> > > > Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
> > > > (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
> > > >
> > > > A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
> > > > (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
> > > >
> > > > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> > > > (I know some people like that.)
> > > >
> > > > Starfish have no brains.
> > > > (I know some people like that too.)
> > > >
> > > > Polar bears are left-handed.
> > > > (Who knew...? Who cares!)
> > > >
> > > > Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
> > > > (What about the pig?)
> > >
> >
> >
>


George Carlin Imponderables!

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?

 

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

 

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

 

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

 

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with?

 

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

 

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?

 

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

 

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

 

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

 

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

 

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

 

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

 

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for
their final exam.

 

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

 

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
deliver the mail?

 

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

 

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

 

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?


> > Subject: A story with a moral
> >
> >
> > A boy rode on a donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they
> > passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking
> and
> > the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were
> right,
> > so they changed positions.
> >
> > Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes
> that
> > little boy walk."They then decided they both would walk!
> >
> > Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
> when
> > they had a decent donkey to ride. So,they both rode the donkey.
> >
> > Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put
> such
> > a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right,
> so
> > they decided to carry the donkey.
> >
> > As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he
> fell
> > into the river and drowned.
> >
> > The moral of the story?
> >
> > If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>


Today is my 49th birthday, I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I went to

breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday". I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will
remember". The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better ... someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then, Betty
knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me". I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go". We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go ... we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment". After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of friends. They were singing "Happy Birthday" ... And there I sat, on the couch ... naked!


> Subject: Unemployment Office
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > > > Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off
they
> > > went
> > > > to
> > > > > > the
> > > > > > > unemployment office.
> > > > > > > Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the
> elastic
> > > > onto
> > > > > > > cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding
it
> > > > > classified
> > > > > > > as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
> > > > > > > Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.
> Since
> > > > diesel
> > > > > > > fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
> > > > > > > When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the
> > > > unemployment
> > > > > > > office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting
> > > double
> > > > > his
> > > > > > > pay. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled
and
> > > > diesel
> > > > > > > fitters were skilled labor.
> > > > > > > "What skill?" Yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it
> > over
> > > > his
> > > > > > head
> > > > > > > and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
> > > > > > >
>
>


It's official, I'm old.
>
>
>
> 25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP ( you know,
> got old )
>
> 1. Your potted plants are alive. And
> you can't smoke a one of them.
> 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is
> absurd.
> 3. You keep more food than beer in the
> fridge.
> 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when
> you go to sleep.
> 5. You hear your favorite song on an
> elevator.
> 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the
> Weather Channel.
> 7. Your friends marry and divorce
> instead of hookup and breakup.
> 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time
> to 7.
> 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify
> as 'dressed up.'
> 10. You're the one calling the police
> because those darn kids next door
> don't know how to turn down the
> stereo.
> 11. Older ! relatives feel comfortable
> telling sex jokes around you.
> 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell
> closes anymore.
> 13. Your car insurance goes down and
> your car payments go up.
> 14. You feed your dog Science Diet
> instead of McDonald's.
> 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your
> back hurt.
> 16. You no longer take naps from noon to
> 6 p.m.
> 17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date
> instead of the beginning of one.
> 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at
> 3 a.m. would severely upset,
> rather than settle, your stomach.
> 19. You go to the drugstore for
> Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and
> pregnancy test kits.
> 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer
> 'pretty good stuff.'
> &! nbsp; 21. You actually eat breakfast
> foods at breakfast time.
> ; 22. "I just can't drink the way I used
> to," replaces "I'm never going to
> drink that much again."
> 23. Over 90% of the time you spend in
> front of a computer is for real work.
> 24. You don't drink at home to save
> money before going to a bar.
> 25. You read this entire list looking
> for one sign that doesn't apply to you!
>
>
>
>
>


1. Two vultures board an airplane; each carries two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger"

2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.

4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise f unds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man who
fasted regularly. Some may not realize that fasting, when practiced
regularly and for extended periods, leads not only to weight loss but can also
cause bad breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader
hardly ever wore shoes. One might say he was...a super-callused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 



VENTRILOQUIST

 

 

 

A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida.

 

 

 

With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes
when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've
heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full
potential!"

 

 

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on
your knee!"

 


> > > > > > WHO WANTS TO BE A JEWISH MILLIONAIRE?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >The Jewish Millionaire Game
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > 1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > 2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > 3. You may consider your spouse's opinion...or not.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > 4. Bonus lifeline! Your Mother will give you her
> > > > > > > opinion, whether you ask for it or not.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Lets play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher
> > > > > > > Millionaire.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $500
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. NetanYahoo.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $1,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish
> > > > > > > women?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. Oil of Oy Vey.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $2,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish
> > > > > > > women?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. Debbie Does Dishes.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $4,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish
> > > > > > > Woman?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A.The "Plaintiff."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $8,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A."Your Mother pays retail."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $16,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become
> > > > > > > human?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. When it graduates from medical school.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $32,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft
> > > > > > > and her nails long and beautiful?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. Nothing, she does nothing at all.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $64,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. Define "Genius".
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $125,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. Genghis Cohen.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $250,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. Why did the Moyel retire?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. He just couldn't cut it anymore.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $500,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah
> > > > > > > be?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. A fur coat.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > For $1,000,000
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother
> > > > > > > and an Italian Grandmother?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A. 10 lbs.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>


On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
>field with the farmer all day long and suffer
>under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I
>will
>give you a life span of sixty years."
>
>The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for
>sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll
>give back the other forty."
>
>And God agreed.
>On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by
>the
>door of your house and bark at anyone
>who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty
>years."
>
>The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
>I'll
>give back the other ten."
>So God agreed (sigh).
>On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
>people, do
>monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
>give you a twenty year life span."
>
>Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
>think
>so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's
>what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
>
>On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have
>sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give
>you twenty years."
>
>Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll
>take
>my twenty, and the forty the cow
>gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave
>back. That makes eighty, okay?"
>
>"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
>So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
>sex,
>enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty
>years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten
>years
>we do monkey tricks to entertain our
>grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the
>house
>and bark at everybody.


The Optimist vs. the Pessimist
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."



>A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde
> > in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First
> > Class section and sits down.
> >
> > The flight attendant watches her do this and
> > asks to see her ticket. She then tells the
> > blonde that she paid for Economy and that
> > she will have to sit in the back.
> >
> > The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
> > I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!".
> >
> > The flight attendant goes into the cockpit
> > and tells the pilot and copilot that there
> > is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class
> > that belongs in Economy and won't move back
> > to her seat.
> >
> > The copilot goes back to the explain that
> > because she only paid for Economy she will
> > have to leave and return to her seat.
> >
> > The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
> > I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
> >
> > The copilot tells the pilot that he probably
> > should have the police waiting when they land
> > to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen
> > to reason.
> >
> > The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married
> > to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'".
> >
> > He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear,
> > and without hesitation, she gets up and moves
> > back to her seat in the Economy section.
> >
> > The flight attendant and copilot are amazed
> > and asked him what he said to make her move
> > without any fuss.
> >
> > "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

 

 


Sound familiar?

 

Here is an often repeated laboratory experiment in the graduate
psychology
curriculum that invariably has the same results:

 

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a
banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a
monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As
soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold
water.
After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same
result
- all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when
any
monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent
it.

 

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey will see the banana and want
to
climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys
will attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he
tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it
with a
new one. When the newcomer goes to the stairs, it will be attacked.
The
"previous newcomer" will take part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs,
he will be attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no
idea
why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are
participating in the beating of the newest monkey
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys
have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey will
ever
again approach the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done
around
there.

 

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

 

 


Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to
attend college and law
school. He decided to come back to the small town
because he could be a
big man in this small town. He really wanted to
impress everyone. So he
returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the
sidewalk. He decided to make a
big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to
the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the
man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New
York that I won't
settle this case for less than one million. Yes.
The Appeals Court has
agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be
handling the primary
argument and the other members of my team will
provide support. Okay.
Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to
discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five
minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the
phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the
delay, but as you can
see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I
came to hook up your phone."

 


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

 


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him?
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap
> underwear. The Psychiatrist takes one look at him and says "I can clearly
> see you're nuts." !
>


There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you
> > tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all
> > have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
> >
> > An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
> > the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor
> > for today?"
> >
> > "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
> >
> > The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
> > crowded office and say things like that."
> >
> > "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
> >
> > The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
> > this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
> > with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
> > doctor in private."
> >
> > The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
> >
> > The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"
> >
> > "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
> >
> > The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> > advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
> >
> > "I can't pee out of it," the man replied.
> >
> > The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
> >

 



A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl annnounced to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about
an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a
3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.


"I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy
tells the pharmacist.
"I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least
twice." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the
family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it
being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents
house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his
head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement
from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. "

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist"

 

 

 


 

 

link to older selection:

 

2000 collection

98a

98 parts b