2011 Humour Page 1

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heard a good one lately please send it to jokes@newmantools.com

updated December 2011

Thanks to my regular contributors, Jaz, Hanna, Pat, Dave, Barbara, Alex and others without names

 

The Cabbie

A successful engineer flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said , "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the engineer, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The engineer thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The engineer got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way" "What! Get Out, out of my cab, you scum." The engineer got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."The engineer said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the engineer gave a big smile and a big thumbs up.

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The sales rep, the administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke! The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

Astonished, the sales rep cries out, "Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pineapples and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

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A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female teachers went
on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The female teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by
their arm pits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in
the 3rd!"

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm in the 7th, riding SeaBiscuit...but thanks!"

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MURPHY'S LAWS OF PARENTING

- The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

- The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

- The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

- A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

- Toys multiply to fill any space available.

- Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

- If the shoe fits ... it's expensive.

- Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

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My pastor-husband Scott has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands.

To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "Everything is permissible for me -- but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Cor. 6:12.

When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" - Prov. 13:25.

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HOW TO TELL WHEN FOODS GO BAD

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetit!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes should not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

BREAD - Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles or things fly out when you open it.

RAISINS - Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT - It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR - If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

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NO SPEAKEE ENGLISH 

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.

 The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

 

(Please scroll the page down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

What were you thinking?  

 

 

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!

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THE COWBOY'S TEN COMMANDMENTS

1) Just one God.

2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

5) Put nothin' before God.

6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

7) No killin'.

8) Watch yer mouth.

9) Don't take what ain't yers.

10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

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What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat

What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness

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THE MECHANIC

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

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There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping...

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The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.

The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully, "At least that other librarian we had could write."

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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie

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WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY                                                     


              There is a new study about women and how they                
                          feel about their asses;                          
                   the results were pretty interesting:                    


 30% of women think their ass is too fat.............                      
 10% of women think their ass is too skinny.........                       


    The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good      
              man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.     

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Nun Grading Papers

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! 

 

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!  IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

 

5. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

 

6 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 

7. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

8. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 

9. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

 

10. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

 

11. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

 

12. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

 

13. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

 

14. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 

15. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

 

16. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

 

17. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

 

18. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 

19. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 

20. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 

21. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 

22. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 

23 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

 

24. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

 

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

 

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."

 

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer."But how 'bout my friend?"

 

The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

 

"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"

 

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, and once underway,one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

 

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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 

This is definitely full disclosure........ 
 



To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 

 

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice

 

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 

 

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 

 

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana. 

 

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 

 

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 

 

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 

 

9. Sing Along At The Opera. 

 

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 

 

11. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 

 

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 

 

13 .. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' 

 

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 

 


14.. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.. 

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I wonder  whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the hallway?   


I wonder if they come in different  colours?

I wonder about the  fragrance? 

I wonder if they're cheaper by the  dozen. 

I wonder if it would help to put those  preservative packets in the water.?

I wonder if they come in  long-stemmed. 

I wonder if they will bloom  soon.?



 

Photographed  at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers, Indiana.  


(The  sign is real and was up for two hours before someone  stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES )

 

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Little Johnny returned home from his first day in third grade and asked, "Mom, what's sex?"

After a brief moment of panic, she decided that the best response was to be open and honest with her child. Calmly, she gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, Little Johnny produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

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What if Biblical characters could be recruited as product endorsers?

For Match.com - Noah: "We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?"

For Excedrin - Moses: "Take two tablets and call me in the morning."

For Dell - Adam and Eve: "No Apples for us. We learned the hard way."

For AARP - Methuselah: "Life begins at 960!"

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The purple parrot

A man boards an airliner and takes his seat.  He is surprised to find a large
purple parrot in the seat next to him.

After the aircraft takes off, a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle
past the man and his seat mate
"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it
snappy!"

The flight attendantlooks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly
flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the 
parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your 
sorry ass - I want it right now! "

The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a 
moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 28,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot turns to the man and says:   "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls

 

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A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club.
He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why.
He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that"
Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"

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What Is a Man?

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and
never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and
comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will
enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most
intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the
most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, invincible ...
.... No wait... I'm thinking of alcohol.

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One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, "Amazing," while smiling from ear to ear.

Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"Isn't it amazing!" he replied. "When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!"

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A cowboy from the midwest walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods cowboy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the midwest. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ol boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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An 80-year-old man from Moncton, went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife asks: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' 
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.' 
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' 
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.' 
Wife: 'Oh.' 
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' 
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' 
Maria: 'Jor husband did.' 
Wife: 'Oh..' 
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.' 
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?' 
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

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A minister with a large family of seven children moved to a new city. He and his wife didn't want to buy a home immediately. They wanted to rent a townhouse until they could get a feel for the area and choose a home where their kids would be in good schools and they could be conveniently located.

They found plenty of rental townhouses that were large enough, but the landlords always objected to having a family of nine occupy the place.

In frustration, one day the father asked the mother to take the four youngest children and go visit the local cemetery. She was puzzled by his request, but went along. He and the other three children headed off to investigate another townhouse they had found.

The place was perfect and the father told the landlord he would take it. Then came the usual question, "I see you have children. How many are there in the family?"

The minister gave out with a deep sigh, then said, "Seven ... but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the townhouse.

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Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's  work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.  She was astonished. Something's up!!

It turned out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends."

Oh, that was perfect too......... Charley was too tired!"

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.  General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. 

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.  In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:! 
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocastwent silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"

~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.

~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.

~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.

~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.

~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

~ War was a card game.

~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies either.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."  

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight. "What do you think?" she said

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend
:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
 


Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
 

see below………

 

 

 





"What's for dinner, Batman?"

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

 

"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

 

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you."

 

And the golfer walks off.

 

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

 

A year goes by and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

 

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

 

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're allright.

"Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

 

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

 

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

 

"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."

 

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

 

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -- sometimes twice a week."

 

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice aweek?"

 

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila
.

Tequila
is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.  Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila
.

Tequila may not be right for everyone.  Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila; however, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,  incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


Tequila
: Leave Shyness Behind!

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

                                                   


The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

                                                   

links to older pages

 

2009 collection,


2007 collection:

 

2006 collection:

2004 collection

 

2000 collection

98a

98 parts

www.newmantools.com/humour


 

                                                   


 

                                                   


 

                                                   


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