heard a good one lately please send it to

joke master@newmantools.com

 

thanks to my regular contributors, Jennifer, Jaz and Sheldon

 

 

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl annnounced to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about
an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a
3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.


"I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy
tells the pharmacist.
"I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least
twice." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the
family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it
being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents
house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his
head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement
from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. "

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist"

 

 

 

A Texan Salesman

 

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a
> city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold
> everything under the sun.
>
> "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss
> asked during his interview.
>
> "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
>
> The boss took an immediate liking to him and
> told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out
> after we close up," the boss said.
>
> The day was long and hard for the young man,
> but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the
> lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you
> make today?" the boss asked.
>
> "One," said the lad.
>
> "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on
> my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
>
> "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
>
> "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
>
> "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,
> then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
> a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he
was
> going fishing, and he said he
> was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him
> down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft
> with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able
> to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him
a
> new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
>
> "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in
> astonishment.
>
> "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him,
> 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "
>


For the unrepentant punsters in all of us.

 

How do crazy people go through the forest? - They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? - Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? - "Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroid's.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? - A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? - Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? - Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? - Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? - Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? - A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? - Anyone can
roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? - Because they have big fingers

Why don't blind people like to sky dive? - Because it scares the hell
out of the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? - Sanka.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? - The location of
the dirt bag.

Why do a pilgrim's pants always fall down? - Because they wear their
belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? - A bad
golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

What do you call a man with a car on his head? - Jack

How do you catch a unique rabbit? - Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way, unique up on it!

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop - clop? - An Amish
drive-by shooting.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? - Somebody's
gonna lose a trailer.

 


 

THIS SHOWS WHY ENGLISH IS SO HARD TO LEARN
a.. We must polish the Polish furniture.
b.. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
c.. The farm was used to produce produce.
d.. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
e.. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
f.. This was a good time to present the present.
g.. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
h.. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
i.. I did not object to the object.
j.. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
k.. The bandage was wound around the wound.
l.. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
m.. They were too close to the door to close it.
n.. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
o.. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
p.. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
q.. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
r.. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
s.. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
t.. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
u.. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


>Lesson in paternity.
> > >
> > >A married couple went to the hospital to have their
> > baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said
> he had invented a new machine that would transfer a
> portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He
> asked if they were willing to try it out. They were
> both very much in favor of it.
> > >
> > >The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for
> starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more
> pain than the father had ever experienced before.
> But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine
> and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a
> notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%
> pain transfer.
> > >The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor
> checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at
> how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to
> try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite
> well.
> Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
> the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
> doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
> > >
> > >The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
> > pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they
> got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.


More things to ponder
======================

 

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then
what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of
a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are
already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?


 

Bet You Read It Twice
> > >
> > > A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an
> > > animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
> > first,
> > > but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
> > > following:
> > >
> > > "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
> > > once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee
> > > twice. Then I come one lasta time."
> > >
> > > "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
> > country
> > > we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
> > >
> > > "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
> > justa
> > > tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
> > >


2000 collection

 

link to older selection:

98a

98 parts b