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thanks to Jennifer and Jaz, my regular joke contributors
collection of jokes from 1998


>>Microsoft and GM
>>
>>At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
>computer industry
>>with the auto industry and stated, "if G.M. had kept up with technology
>like the computer industry'
>>has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand
>miles to the gallon." In
>>response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating,
>"if G.M. had
>>developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
>following
>>characteristics:
>>
>>1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
>>
>>2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
>new car.
>>
>>3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
>would just accept this,
>>restart, and drive on.
>>
>>4. Occasionally, executing a manner such as a left turn, would cause your
>car to shut down and
>>refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
>>
>>5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95"
>or "CarNT." But then
>>you would have to buy more seats.
>>
>>6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
>times as fast, and
>>twice as easy to drive, and would only run on five percent of the roads.
>>
>>7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be
>replaced by a single
>>" general car default" warning light.
>>
>>8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
>>
>>9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
>>
>>10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
>refuse to let you in
>>until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and
>grabbed hold of the radio
>>antenna.
>>
>>11. G.M. would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
>McNally road maps
>>(now a G.M. subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them.
>Attempting to
>>delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to
>diminish by fifty percent
>>or more. Moreover, G.M. would become a target for investigation by the
>Justice Department.
>>
>>12. Every time G.M. introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn
>how to drive all
>>over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as
>the old car.
>>
>>13. You'd press the "start' button to shut off the engine.
>>
>>
>>


 

 

>> >THE PERFECT COUPLE
>> >
>> >Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
>> >courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was of course,
>> >perfect.
>> >
>> >One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
>> perfect
>> >car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at
>> the
>> >side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to
>> help.
>> >There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
>> >
>> >Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
>> perfect
>> >couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
>> driving
>> >along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
>> deteriorated
>> >and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
>> >survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
>> >
>> >(Scroll down for the answer.)
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
>> >first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
>> >thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the
>> joke.
>> >
>> >***Men keep scrolling****
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
>> have
>> >been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way,
>> if
>> >you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point:
>> women
>> >never listen either.
>> >
>>
>>
>


 

>Subject: lab
>
>A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had
>been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the
>compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking
>for the first time in his life.
>
>"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a
>hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of
>other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
>
>"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
>escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
>
>"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and
>started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild
>rabbits do?" he asked.
>
>"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots
>growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist
>and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were
>wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
>
>"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that
>as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
>completely full.
>
>"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.
>
>"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
>
>"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared
>at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
>
>"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying
>for a cigarette."
>
>-------------
>

>Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds
>that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his
>sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the
>confession area and spoke to the pastor.
>"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have
>you done, the Lord will forgive you."
>"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend,
>it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between
>us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home
>except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
>"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
>"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her,
>but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues,
>so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you."
>"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look
>for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and
>I slept with her too."
>"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised
>that there was no response from the Father, he walked
>over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
>So he began searching for him.
>"Father? Where are you?"
>He searched high and low, and finally he found him
>hiding under the table behind the piano.
>"Father, why are you hiding here?"
>"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody
>around here except me."
>
>


 

superman

 

>Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
>One turns to the other and says,"you know, last week I discovered that if
>you jump form the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th
>floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you
>around the building and back into the window."
> The bartender just shakes his
>head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
> The 2nd man say "what
>are you? A nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
> The first man replies
>"no, it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar,
>jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes
>the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back in
>the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
> The second man say "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but
>that must have been a one time fluke."
>First man: "No, I'll prove it again." And again he jumps and hurtles
>toward the street when the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the
>building and back into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow
>drinker to try it. The second man decides "What the
>hell, it works, so I'll do it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges
>downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floor and hit the sidewalk with
>a 'splat'. Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker
>"You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
>
>________________________________________________________________

 

journalist and sheep      Jaz

>In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just
>arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of
>women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy,
>"What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
>
>"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none.
>'Round here folks fuck sheep."
>
>"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard
>of such moral degredation."
>
>However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning
>to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he
>finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back
>to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After
>a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and
>released his pent-up frustrations.
>
>Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink.
>As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the
>patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
>
>"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been
>fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me
>like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
>
>One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"


18

 

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
>that reads:
>
>Dear Wife, I am 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter I
>will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old
>secretary.
>
>When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him in his
>room that read as follows:
>
>Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will
>be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You
>being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
>many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!
>
>
>


 

>The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city
>newspapers.
>
>Illiterate? Write today for free help.
>
>Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
>anywhere again.
>
>Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
>included.
>
>Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
>
>Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
>
>Stock up and save. Limit: one.
>
>Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
>
>3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
>
>Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
>beating.
>
>Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
>salary.
>
>Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
>
>For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
>
>Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
>home, too.
>
>We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
>
>For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
>
>Great Dames for sale.
>
>Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
>
>Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
>
>Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
>
>Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
>
>Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
>burns toast.
>
>For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
>
>Man, honest. Will take anything.
>
>Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
>
>Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
>
>Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
>
>Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
>
>Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
>
>Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general
>housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
>
>And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
>inconvenience.
>
>We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
>
>
>


A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As soon as he settles in he
glances up and sees a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes
that she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous
anticipation washes over him.
Lo an behold she takes the seat right next to him. Anxious to strike up a
conversation she blurts out "So, where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in
Chicago."
He swallows hard, instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going
to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool he
calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks deeply in his eyes, and says
"I will be speaking, debunking some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who
is the most likely to posses this trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent
who romance women best, on average.:
"Very interesting." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says,
"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your
name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."


Aussies

 

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At
>>
>>the
>>station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis
>>
>>buy
>>only a single ticket.
>>
>>"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an
>>Aussie.
>>"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.
>>
>>They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but
>>all
>>three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
>>Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
>>collecting
>>tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The
>>door
>>opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
>>conductor takes it and moves on.
>>
>>The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
>>conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and
>>save
>>some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the
>>station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
>>astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.
>>
>>"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
>>Aussie.
>>Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.
>>
>>When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the
>>
>>three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly
>>afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the
>>bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.
>>
>>He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
>>
>>
>


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>>>>>>
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SN O W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNO W B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOW B A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWB A L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBA L L !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBAL L !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL !
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOW BALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O W B ALL!
>>>>>> S N O W B ALL!
>>>>>> S N O W B ALL!
>>>>>> S N O W B ALL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!!!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!!!!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!!!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!
>>>>>> S N O W B A L L!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B A LL!
>>>>>> S N O W B ALL!
>>>>>> S N O W B ALL!
>>>>>> S N O W B ALL!
>>>>>> S N O W B ALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O W BALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N O WBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S N OWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> S NOWBALL!
>>>>>> SNOWBALL!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> AND NOW...........
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> BAM!!!!!!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> snowballsnowball
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowball
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowball
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowb
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsn
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnob
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowba
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowball
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowball
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowbal
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowb
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsno
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnowball
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowballsnow
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowballsnowball
>>>>>> snowballsnowballsnowball
>>>>>> GOTCHA!!!!!!!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> CONSIDER YOURSELF HIT BY A SNOWBALL!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> You are now involved in an e-mail snowball fight.
>>>>>> Send this to your friends.
>>>>>> In this snowball fight no one gets frozen fingers and toes.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> PASS IT ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS
>>>>>> SPLAT!!!!
>>>>>> YOU HAVE BEEN HIT!!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>______________________________________________________
>>
>
>
>


holmes and watson

 

 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a
good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night,
and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions
of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is
all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you
dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."


 

 

 

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage
> in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
> conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
> of the men say the following:
>
> "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
> again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then
> I
> come once-a more."
>
> "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
> country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
>
> "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to
spella
> Mississippi."

disn


disney tales

 

 

>> Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
>> stepmother won't let her.
>>
>> As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy
>> godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella
>> with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only
>> on two conditions.
>>
>> "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
>> Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
>> "You must be home by 2a.m. Any later, and your
>> diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
>>
>> Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed
>> hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
>> Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
>> love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you
>> been?" demands the fairy godmother.
>> "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin
>> three hours ago!!!"
>> "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
>> everything."
>> " I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me
>> his name!"
>> "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or
>> other...."
>> > >>>
>> > >>> ----------------------------------
>> > >>>
>> > >>> Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so
>> > >>> she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back,
>> > >>> and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! >Lie to
>> > >>> me!"
>> > >>>
>> > >>> ----------------------------------
>> > >>>
>> > >>> Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
>> > >>> when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
>> > >>> tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red,
>> > >>> I'm going to screw your brains out!"
>> > >>>
>> > >>> To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her
>> > >>> picnic basket and Pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed
>> > >>> it at him and said,
>> > >>> "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it
>> > >>> says in the book!"
>> > >>>
>> > >>> -----------------------------------
>> > >>>
>> > >>> Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and
>> > >>> the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife
>> > >>> is crazy."
>> > >>> Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin'
>> > >>> Goofy,"
>> > >>>
>> > >>> ----------------------------------
>> > >>>
>> > >>> Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
>> > >>> complain about splinters whenever they had sex.
>> > >>> Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if
>> > >>> he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
>> > >>> sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away
>> > >>> enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw
>> > >>> Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,
>> > >>> "How's the girlfriend?"
>> > >>> Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>


 

engineers

 

 

 

>Comprehending Engineers, --Take One
>> >*********************************************
>> >A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
>> >particularly slow group of golfers.
>> >
>> >The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
>> >for 15 minutes!"
>> >
>> >The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
>> >ineptitude!"
>> >
>> >The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
>> >with him."
>> >
>> >"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
>> >slow, aren't they?"
>> >
>> >The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
>> >firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
>> >last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
>> >
>> >The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I
>> >think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
>> >
>> >The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
>> >ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
>> >
>> >The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
>> >*******************************************
>> >There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
>> >mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
>> >happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
>> >regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of
>> >their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and
>> >everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation,
>> >they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their
>> >problems in the past.
>> >
>> >The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying
>> >the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk
>> >on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is
>> >where your problem is".
>> >
>> >The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The
>> >company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
>> >They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer
>> >responded briefly:
>> >One chalk mark $1
>> >Knowing where to put it $49,999
>> >
>> >It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
>> >*********************************************
>> >What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
>> >Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
>> >*******************************************
>> >The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
>> >
>> >The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
>> >
>> >The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?"
>> >
>> >The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
>> >that?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
>> >*******************************************
>> >Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
>> >possible designers of the human body.
>> >
>> >One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
>> >
>> >Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems
>> >many thousands of electrical connections."
>> >
>> >The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
>> >toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
>> >******************************************
>> >An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
>> >better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
>> >
>> >The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
>> >foundation for an enduring relationship.
>> >
>> >The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
>> >passion and mystery he found there.
>> >
>> >The engineer said, "I like both."
>> >
>> >"Both?"
>> >
>> >Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
>> >assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
>> >lab and get some work done."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
>> >*********************************************
>> >An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer
>> >rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
>> >
>> >"Where did you get such a great bike?- asked the first.
>> >
>> >The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
>> >my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
>> >
>> >She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said
>> >'Take what you want.'"
>> >
>> >The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes
>> >probably wouldn't have fit."
>> >
>> >
>
>
>


 

las vegas taxi

 

<< A successful businessman flew to
> >Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and
> >had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip
> >ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself
> >home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
> >waiting.
> >
> >He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
> >send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card
> >numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no
> >avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have
> >fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was
> >forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch
> >his flight.
> >
> >One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
> >his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
> >Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
> >casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
> >
> >Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,
> >but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down
> >on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could
> >make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
> >
> >The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
> >to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how
> >much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell
> >out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the
> >long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
> >
> >When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
> >asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied
> >"fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then,
> >as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a
> >big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. >>


fourth marriage

 

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide
to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their
hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be
gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3
times before."

The bride responds...

"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist
and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do
was look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him!"

"But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"


And you thought we were done with Monica........

--------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Names for Lewinsky's new book

Possible Titles for Lewinsky's New Book

I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth


 

Forty years...

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When
they first got married the man said, "I am putting
a box under the bed. You must promise never
to look in it".

In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never
looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th
anniversary curiosity got the best of her and
she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box
were 3 empty pop bottles and $1874.25 in small
bills. She closed the box and put it back
under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they
were out for a special dinner at their favorite
restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer
contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I
am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked. However today the temptation was
too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why
do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after
all these wonderful years you deserve to know the
truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I
put an empty Coke bottle in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very
disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those
years away from home on the road, temptation
does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad
considering the years." They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why
do you have all that money in the box?"

To which the man answered: "Whenever the box filled
with empties, I cashed them in."


 

:
> >> >> >>Horoscopes by Adam Sandler
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
> >> >> >> progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the
> >> >> >> same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.
> >> >> >> Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Pisces (Feb 23- Mar 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are a pioneer type and think most people are
> >> >> >> dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient
> >> >> >> and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off
> >> >> >> everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You have a wild imagination and often think you are
> >> >> >> being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor
> >> >> >> influence on your friends and people resent you for
> >> >> >> flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a
> >> >> >> general dipshit.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Taurus (April 23- May 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
> >> >> >> determination and work like hell. Most people think
> >> >> >> you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but
> >> >> >> a goddamned communist.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Gemini (May 23- June 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like
> >> >> >> you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to
> >> >> >> expect too much for too little. This means you
> >> >> >> are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for
> >> >> >> thriving on incest.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Cancer (June 23- July 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
> >> >> >> problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always =
putting
> >> >> >> things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and
> >> >> >> won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
> >> >> >> an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot
> >> >> >> tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo =
people
> >> >> >> are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more =
than
> >> >> >> sex.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-
> >> >> >> picking attitude is sickening to your friends and =
co-workers.
> >> >> >> You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while
> >> >> >> fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are the artistic type and have a difficult time =
dealing
> >> >> >> with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer.
> >> >> >> Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most
> >> >> >> Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal =
disease.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business
> >> >> >> and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of
> >> >> >> success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the
> >> >> >> perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
> >> >> >> tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent.
> >> >> >> The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a =
worthless
> >> >> >> piece of shit.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>Capricorn (Dec 23- Jan 22)
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >> You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are
> >> >> >> basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn =
of
> >> >> >> any importance. You should kill yourself.
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >>
> >> >> >


 

 

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

 

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other
applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning
Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation,
though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the
nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at
system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some
applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0
are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to
lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of
undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta
is
unavoidable.

Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

--A "don't remind me again" button.

--Minimize button.

--Ability to delete the "headache" file

--An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version
without loss of other system resources.

--An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the
system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with
Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found
many
problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of
Girlfriend 3.0.

You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of
Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.

Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I
should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1
and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't
work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the
system.
Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying
little
messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you
try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens,
Mistress
1.1
won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message.
To
avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink)
between the two systems.

 


"Faith And Sports"

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks
at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons.
One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons! One more, and I'll
have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue.
I have 17 wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course

 


medicare

 

 

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked,
"What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the
doctor
said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and
charged
them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare.


SOME THOUGHTS ON AGING ----

Maybe it's true that life begins at 50. But everything
else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss
of memory and I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's
too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing
the one that will get you home earlier.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need a
laxative.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your
car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you
can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after
feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologists' diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good
news is you're not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.


Moses and Jesus playing golf

You may have seen this one years ago, but it is one of my favorites.

Jen

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf. Moses pulled up
to
the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled toward a water hazard. quickly, Moses raised his club, the
water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the
pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out
on
the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked at the ball. It
headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby
street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there ,
it
bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into a
gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight
toward
the pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and
bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested
quietly,
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and
snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down
and
grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green the
frog
squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into
the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said. "Y'know, I hate playing with your
DAD,".


> > > President Clinton's Testimony" by Dr.
> > Seuss
> > > > >
> > > > >I did not do it in a car.
> > > > >I did not do it in a bar.
> > > > >I did not do it in the dark.
> > > > >I did not do it in the park.
> > > > >I did not do it on a date.
> > > > >I did not ever fornicate.
> > > > >I did not do it at a dance.
> > > > >I did not do it in her pants.
> > > > >I did not get beyond first base.
> > > > >I did not do it in her face.
> > > > >I never did it in a bed.
> > > > >If you think that, you've been
> > misled.
> > > > >I did not do it with a groan.
> > > > >I did not do it on the phone.
> > > > >I did not cause her dress to stain.
> > > > >I never boinked Saddam Hussein.
> > > > >I did not do it with a whip.
> > > > >I never fondled Linda Tripp.
> > > > >I never acted really silly
> > > > >With volunteers like Kathleen Willey.
> >
> > > > >There was one time, with Margaret
> > Thatcher,
> > > > >I chased her 'round, but could not
> > catch her.
> > > > >No kinky stuff, not on your life
> > > > >I wouldn't, even with my wife.
> > > > >And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
> > > > >Was paid for by my right-wing foes.
> > > > >And Paula Jones, and those State
> > Troopers
> > > > >Are just a bunch of party poopers.
> > > > >I did not ask my friends to lie.
> > > > >I did not hang them out to dry.
> > > > >I did not do it last November,
> > > > >But if I did, I don't remember.
> > > > >I did not do it in the hall.
> > > > >I could have, but I don't recall.
> > > > >I never did it in my study.
> > > > >I never did it with my dog, Buddy.
> > > > >I never did it to Sox, the cat.
> > > > >I might have-once-with Arafat.
> > > > >I never did it in a hurry.
> > > > >I never groped Ms. Betty Currie.
> > > > >There was no sex at Arlington.
> > > > >There was no sex on Air Force One.
> > > > >I might have copped a little feel
> > > > >And then endeavored to conceal.
> > > > >But never did these things so lewd,
> > > > >At least, not ever in the nude.
> > > > >These things to which I have
> > confessed.
> > > > >They do not count, if we stayed
> > dressed.
> > > > >It never happened with cigar.
> > > > >I never dated Mrs. Starr.
> > > > >I did not know this little sin
> > > > >Would be retold on CNN.
> > > > >I broke some rules my Mama taught me.
> >
> > > > >I tried to hide, but now you've
> > caught me.
> > > > >But I implore, I do beseech
> > > > >Do not condemn, do not impeach.
> > > > >I might have got a little tail
> > > > >But never, never did inhale.
> > >


The Biker
Here was a guy who was in the market for a used Harley. He had
always wanted a big, bad hog. He shopped around; newspaper ads, bike
shops, but nothing. Finally he came across a beautiful classic
Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. On inspection, he is amazed to find
the bike in mint condition.

He talked to the owner, "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it.
But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," said the seller, "it's pretty simple, just make sure that
if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, that you rub Vaseline
on the chrome. It keeps it from rusting. In fact, since you're
buying the bike, I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can
have it." He handed the new owner an old tube of Vaseline, which he
put it in his jacket pocket.

Our hero bought the bike and headed out; a proud and happy biker.
He took his bike over to show his girlfriend. She was ecstatic!
That night, he decided to ride his bike over to his girlfriend's parents
house. Since, it was the first time he was going to meet them and
figured it will make a big impression.

When the couple arrived at her folks house, his girlfriend grabbed
her boyfriend's arm and confessed, "Honey," she said, "I gotta tell
you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner,
we don't talk. In fact, the first person to say anything during
dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he said, and they went in. Our hero was astounded.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty
dishes. In the family room, another huge stack. Piled up the stairs,
more dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looked there are dirty
dishes, that must have been there for years. They sat down to dinner
and, sure enough, no one said a word. As dinner progressed, the
boyfriend decided to take advantage of the situation.

He grabbed his girlfriend, ripped open her dress, yanked off her
panties and screwed her right on the dinner table. The entire family
was shocked, but no one said a word. When he was finished, his
girlfriend peeled herself off the table and dinner resumed.

Soon his eyes wandered over to his girlfriend's kid sister. Since
he figured no one would say anything, he bent her over the table and
mounted her from behind. After he was satisfied, he sat down to eat
and again, none of the family said anything.

Just before dessert, he began thinking that her mom was looking
pretty good. What the hell, he slipped her the bone. After dropping
his load, he noticed it was starting to rain. He remembered he had to
protect his new motorcycle. He pulled the tube of Vaseline from his
jacket pocket.

The father suddenly jumped up from his chair and shouted, "All
right, I'll do the damned dishes!!"

 


the maid

 

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, " Who is
this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman "We don't have a maid," says the
man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" The woman
replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her
husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot
her and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down, the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun
shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?


 

 

Subject: Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

 

No Matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint.

Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts - no matter how cute the
underwear is.

 


Once upon a time, long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four
of his elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce the
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee
and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found
the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went
to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the
door. He opened the door and there was a cute little angel with
a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you
like me to put this tree Santa?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree....


 

Subject: Pearly Gates

 

 

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw
Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the
gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their
background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve
entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus
summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus
peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did
you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me
about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"


 

Subject: Protestant

 

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children
in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said
"Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

 


A man was driving down the street when he saw a little boy with a
>
> fireman's hat on sitting in a little red wagon being pulled by a
>
> black dog. He thought that this has to be the cutest thing I've ever
>
> seen. I've got to stop and talk to this little boy. He got out,
>
> looked and said "Son, that sure is a nice fire engine you've got
>
> there but, don't you think he would pull a little better if you had
>
> that rope tied around his neck instead of his balls?" The little boy
>
> looked at him and said, "Well, I guess he'd pull better but, then I
>
> wouldn't have a siren!" >>
A "rerun" but worthy of repeating. . .

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his
face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the
priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk man muttered,
returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does."