2013 collection, Humour
heard a good one lately please send it to jokes@newmantools.com
updated July 2014
An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young
lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I
sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says
softly, "Well, wash your hands real damn good because I want a
cheeseburger."
One liners (OK - two liners)
My friend runs a sign business and says that he’s had a really tough time with customers not placing orders during the recession. Apparently EXIT signs are on the way out !!
Muggings in multi-story car parks – they’re wrong on all levels !
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
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...I'll send you the name of my plumber!
Cheers!!! Not to worry, the left handle does white wine.
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A man walked into a bar in Ottawa one evening, taking a seat on the bar stool, and ordering a drink.
Several stools down the line he saw a woman having a drink with a duck under her arm.
He asked “where did you get the pig?”
She responded “For your information that’s a duck.”
He responded “For your information I was talking to the duck.”
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A small Indian boy asked his father, the chief of the tribe, how he decided on his big brothers name?
The chief said "The morning your brother was born I looked out the teepee door and saw a bear running through the woods so I named him Running Bear.
What about my sister the young one asked?
The day your sister was born I looked out the teepee door and saw beautiful white clouds in the sky so I named her White Cloud.
The chief was annoyed and asked his youngest, Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?
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christmas humour
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?”
another christmas one
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up....
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
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A young couple a few years into their marriage decide it's time to have a child. That evening all showered and shaved, powdered and smelling good they climb into bed and start their love making. In the midst of their passion the husband says that he wants their child to be a gifted surgeon. The wife in alarm exclaims, "NO!" I want it to be a wealthy lawyer. The husband says, "Roll over!"
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Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
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Thought these were funny, hope you do too.
What do you call a four foot tall fortune teller wanted by the law????
Small medium at large!!!!!!
*******OR*******
What do Cannibals call athletes????
Fast Food!!!
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Boudreaux, Thibodaux & St. Pierre been on dis island for 5 long years. One day St. Pierre was walking along da beach when he found dis bottle. He brought it to da camp dey built and opened it. A genie popped out and said,”I grant 3 wishes and since there are 3 of ya’ll, you each get 1 wish. Since you found me,St. Pierre,you get the first wish.”St. Pierre said,”I am from Cut Off and I wanna go back home.” So den he was back home.Thibodaux said,”I am from Galliano and I wanna go back home.” So den Thibodaux was back home. Boudreaux,him, he had to think a while. He said,”You know sha, I am kinda lonley, I wish my 2 podnas were back here!”
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A gentleman meets a very attractive lady at a cocktail party.
The gentleman asks her if she would go to bed with him for $ 10,000.
The lady replies "oh that's a very interesting proposition - I'd like to take you up on it"
The gentleman replies "well, would you go to bed with me for $ 1.00"
The lady replies to this with "Why! - What do you take me for"
The gentleman responds "We have already established that, now we're discussing the price?"
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But, speaking of Shaw and Churchill, who were very close friends, reminds me of the occasion when Shaw sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Churchill, suggesting in the cover note “bring a friend if you have one”.
Churchill, otherwise committed that evening, returned the tickets with a note saying he could not attend that evening but would love to attend the second “if you have one”.
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
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He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"
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This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q. They hired him because he was so funny....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
---------------------------------------------
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
I then said,
"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
***Old People Rock!***
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When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I almost fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
*****
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An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana , watching the sun rise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape
with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Heyboy, what'cha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
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If you American before going in the bathroom, and your American after leaving the bathroom...,,
What are you while in the bathroom?
European
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When I got married as a dumb kid, I asked my older married brother for advice. He said "Just make sure you put the biggest, hardest thing you got into the place where she goes to the bathroom". So when the big night came I put my bowling ball into her toilet bowl. I'm not sure why nothing happened.
part 2
When I got married as a dumb kid, I asked my older married brother for advice. He said "Just make sure you put the longest part of you into the hairiest part of her". So when the big night came I stuck my nose in her armpit. I'm not sure why nothing happened.
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5 year old grand daughter goes to see grandpa and asks him, "grandpa, what does sec's mean?"
Grandpa thinks hard and scratches his head, "well sweetheart.... as he recounts some version of the birds and the bee's...
Grandpa then finishes and finally asks the little girl, " oh and what made you ask that question?"
The little girl replies, "well grandma said lunch would be ready in a few sec's"
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3
year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the
child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit
aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
"Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she
hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more
minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the
little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in
a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll
be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's
none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did
it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William
is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the kids'
name is Kevin."
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One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started
inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage
recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved,
so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and
delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to
extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of
Elizabeth, NJ .
This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the
age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down
fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters,
passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the
middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement
as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to
fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their
own lives. Within a short time, the old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the
reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave
elderly
Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event
on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian
fire chief,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli,
the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna
do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
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The Headache
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...! a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit... it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"" Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
The running count:
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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Tools Explained For The Handyman In Most Of Us
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "****!"
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand .
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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One night after playing cards four male friends were sitting around having a drink and talking. One of them was very rich, a multi-millionaire- he had everything any man could want. He had a beautiful wife and children, large yacht, holiday homes in several countries and never had to work. One of his friends said that the reason he had such a beautiful wife was because of his wealth and that if he were like the rest of them she would not of been with him. He replied that she truly loved him when he met her. He decided that when he went got home to give her a little test to check on the nature of her true affection.
He started off by saying that if he was in a bad car accident and became debilitated would she still love him- she replied “oh yes, I will always love you no matter what. He next decided to ask that if he became crippled and was in a wheel chair with a broken neck would she still love him. Oh yes she said I will still love you. Finally he decided to go a bit further and said if he lost all his money, had to sell all their vacation homes, the yacht and were financially destitute would she still love him- she thought for a moment and then said- Oh yes, I’d still love you, but I would miss you.
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One night after playing cards four male friends were sitting around having a drink and talking. One of them was very rich, a multi-millionaire- he had everything any man could want. He had a beautiful wife and children, large yacht, holiday homes in several countries and never had to work. One of his friends said that the reason he had such a beautiful wife was because of his wealth and that if he were like the rest of them she would not of been with him. He replied that she truly loved him when he met her. He decided that when he went got home to give her a little test to check on the nature of her true affection.
He started off by saying that if he was in a bad car accident and became debilitated would she still love him- she replied “oh yes, I will always love you no matter what. He next decided to ask that if he became crippled and was in a wheel chair with a broken neck would she still love him. Oh yes she said I will still love you. Finally he decided to go a bit further and said if he lost all his money, had to sell all their vacation homes, the yacht and were financially destitute would she still love him- she thought for a moment and then said- Oh yes, I’d still love you, but I would miss you.
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as
he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear
view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing
and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled
over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Frida y.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a
State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper.
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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two fishermen was fishing a fine but small stream in the blue ridge
Mt's. going along all at one they heard a loud woofing sound about 100
yids ahead up stood a very large black bear with ears laid back, about
40 yds to the right of her was two tiny cubs unaware of their
presence. One of the guys sat sown and removed his back pack and took
out his running shoes, then proceeded to remove his waders and put on
his shoes, the other guy looked at him and said you know you are crazy
to think you can out run that bear, the guy looked up at his friend
and politely said i do not have o run the bear i just need to out run
you!
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of Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut,
Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana,
Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts,
Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska,
Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North
Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania,
Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas,
Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin,Wyoming
We can ship via UPS to Afghanistan , Aland Islands , Albania ,
Algeria , American Samoa , Andorra , Angola , Anguilla , Antigua
& Barbuda , Argentina , Armenia , Aruba , Australia , Austria
, Azerbaijan , Azores , Bahamas , Bahrain , Bangladesh , Barbados
, Belarus , Belgium , Belize , Benin , Bermuda , Bhutan , Bolivia
, Bonaire , Bosnia , Botswana , Brazil , British Virgin Isles
, Brunei , Bulgaria , Burkina Faso , Burundi , Cambodia , Cameroon
, Canada , Canary Islands , Cape Verde , Cayman Islands , Central
African Republic , Chad , Chile , China , Colombia , Comoros ,
Congo , Cook Islands , Costa Rica , Croatia , Curacao , Cyprus
, Czech Republic , Democratic Republic of Congo , Denmark , Djibouti
, Dominica , Dominican Republic , Ecuador , Egypt , El Salvador
, England , Equatorial Guinea , Eritrea , Estonia , Ethiopia ,
Faeroe Islands , Fiji , Finland , France , French Guiana , French
Polynesia , Gabon , Gambia , Georgia , Germany , Ghana , Gibraltar
, Greece , Greenland , Grenada , Guadeloupe , Guam , Guatemala
, Guernsey , Guinea , Guinea-Bissau , Guyana , Haiti , Holland
, Honduras , Hong Kong , Hungary , Iceland , India , Indonesia
, Iraq , Ireland , Israel , Italy , Ivory Coast , Jamaica , Japan
, Jersey , Jordan , Kazakhstan , Kenya , Kiribati , Kosrae , Kuwait
, Kyrgyzstan , Laos , Latvia , Lebanon , Lesotho , Liberia , Libya
, Liechtenstein , Lithuania , Luxembourg , Macau , Macedonia (Fyrom)
, Madagascar , Madeira , Malawi , Malaysia , Maldives , Mali ,
Malta , Marshall Islands , Martinique , Mauritania , Mauritius
, Mayotte , Mexico , Micronesia , Moldova , Monaco , Mongolia
, Montenegro , Montserrat , Morocco , Mozambique , N. Mariana
Islands , Namibia , Nepal , Netherlands , Netherlands Antilles
, New Caledonia , New Zealand , Nicaragua , Niger , Nigeria ,
Norfolk Island , Northern Ireland , Norway , Oman , Pakistan ,
Palau , Panama , Papua New Guinea , Paraguay , Peru , Philippines
, Poland , Ponape , Portugal , Puerto Rico , Qatar , Reunion ,
Romania , Rota , Russia , Rwanda , Saba , Saipan , San Marino
, Saudi Arabia , Scotland , Senegal , Serbia , Seychelles , Sierra
Leone , Singapore , Slovakia , Slovenia , Solomon Islands , South
Africa , South Korea , Spain , Sri Lanka , St. Barthelemy , St.
Christopher , St. Croix , St. Eustatius , St. John , St. Kitts
& Nevis , St. Lucia , St. Maarten , St. Martin , St. Thomas
, St. Vincent/Grenadines , Suriname , Swaziland , Sweden , Switzerland
, Syria , Tahiti , Taiwan , Tajikistan , Tanzania , Thailand ,
Timor Leste , Tinian , Togo , Tonga , Tortola , Trinidad &
Tobago , Truk , Tunisia , Turkey , Turkmenistan , Turks &
Caicos Islands , Tuvalu , Uganda , Ukraine , Union Island , United
Arab Emirates , United Kingdom , United States , Uruguay, US Virgin
Islands , Uzbekistan , Vanatu , Vatican City State , Venezuela
, Vietnam , Virgin Gorda , Wales , Wallia & Futuna Islands
, Western Samoa , Yap , Yemen , Zambia , Zimbabwe
we try to ship to the world largest cities
Tokyo,Japan, Seoul, South Korea, Mexico City, Mexico , New York City, USA , Mumbai, India , Jakarta, Indonesia , Sáo Paulo, Brazil, Delhi, India , Osaka/Kobe, Japan , Shanghai, China , Manila, Philippines ,Los Angeles, USA ,Calcutta, India , Moscow, Russian Fed., Cairo, Egypt, Lagos, Nigeria, Buenos Aires, Argentina , London, United Kingdom , Beijing, China , Karachi, Pakistan , Dhaka, Bangladesh , Rio de Janeiro, Brazil ,Tianjin, China , Paris, France , Istanbul, Turkey , Lima, Peru , Tehrãn, Iran, Bangkok, Thailand , Chicago, USA , Bogotá, Colombia , Hyderabad, India , Chennai, India , Essen, Germany , Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam , Hangzhou, China , Hong Kong, China , Lahore, Pakistan , Shenyang, China , Changchun, China , Bangalore, India , Harbin, China , Chengdu, China , Santiago, Chile ,Guangzhou, China , St. Petersburg, Russian Fed , Kinshasa, DRC , Baghdãd, Iraq , Jinan, China , Houston, USA , Toronto, Canada, Yangon, Myanmar (Burma), Alger, Algeria Philadelphia, USA, Qingdao, China , Milano, Italy , Pusan, South Korea, Belo Horizonte, Brazil, Almadabad, India , Madrid, Spain , San Francisco, USA, Alexandria, Egypt , Washington DC, USA , Wuhan, China , Dallas, USA , Guadalajara, Mexico, Chongging, China , Medellin, Colombia, Detroit, USA , Handan, China , Frankfurt, Germany , Porto Alegre, Brazil , Hanoi, Vietnam , Sydney, Australia, Santo Domingo, Dom. Rep., Singapore, Singapore , Casablanca, Morocco , Katowice, Poland , Pune, India , Bangdung, Indonesia, Monterrey, Mexico ,Montréal, Canada , Nagoya, Japan , Nanjing, China , Abidjan, Côte d'Ivoire, Xi'an, China , Berlin, Germany , Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, Recife, Brazil , Dusseldorf, Germany, Ankara, Turkey , Melbourne, Australia, Salvador, Brazil , Dalian, China , Caracas, Venezuela, Adis Abeba, Ethiopia,
Athina, Greece, Cape Town, South Africa, Koln, Germany , Maputo, Mozambique, Napoli, Italy