2007 humour collection from last years emails

heard a good one lately please send it to

spamfilter "at" newmantools " dot" com ( this is to avoid the robots collecting email addresses )

updated January 2007

Thanks to my regular contributors, Jaz, Hanna, Boris, Will, Laurie, Robin, Bill, Bob & Sarah

5 Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to
drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of
their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they
crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man... That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied,"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is
completely demolished, but this bottle of wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." Then she hands the
bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks
half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The
man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Irish Joke

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher

PA State Guidelines on use of offensive language in the workplace

Dear Pennsylvania State Employees:
>
>It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
>throughout the State have been using foul language during the course of
>normal conversation with their co-workers.
>
>
>
>Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
>this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize
>the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
>when communicating to co-workers within State offices.
>
>
>
>Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been
>provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
>an effective manner.
>
>
>
>1) TRY SAYING:
>I think you could use more training.
>INSTEAD OF:
>You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
>
>(hmmmm…. Now who could THAT be….)
>
>2) TRY SAYING:
>She's an aggressive go-getter.
>INSTEAD OF:
>She's a ball-busting b__ch.
>
>(ring any bells????)
>
>3) TRY SAYING:
>Perhaps I can work late.
>INSTEAD OF:
>And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
>
>(sounds like Intake!!)
>
>4) TRY SAYING:
>I'm certain that isn't feasible.
>INSTEAD OF:
>Ain't Nooooo f______ way!
>
>
>
>5) TRY SAYING:
>Really?
>INSTEAD OF:
>Giiiiiiiiiiit the f____ outta here!!!
>
>
>
>6) TRY SAYING:
>Perhaps you should check with...
>INSTEAD OF:
>Tell a muthaf____ who gives a sh__.
>
>
>
>7) TRY SAYING:
>I wasn't involved in the project.
>INSTEAD OF:
>It's not my f______ problem.
>
>

>
>
>8) TRY SAYING:
>That's interesting.
>INSTEAD OF:
>What the f___?!?!
>
>
>
>9) TRY SAYING:
>I'm not sure this can be implemented.
>INSTEAD OF:
>This sh__ won't work.
>
> (MEDA!!!!)
>
>10) TRY SAYING:
>I'll try to schedule that.
>INSTEAD OF:
>Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?
>
>(Appts; Reapps….)
>
>11) TRY SAYING:
>He's not familiar with the issues.
>INSTEAD OF:
>He ain't got a f____in' clue!!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>12) TRY SAYING:
>Excuse me, sir?
>INSTEAD OF:
>YO!! D____HEAD!!!!
>
>
>
>13) TRY SAYING:
>So you weren't happy with it?
>INSTEAD OF:
>Boy, did they f____ THAT up?!?
>
>
>
>14) TRY SAYING:
>I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
>INSTEAD OF:
>F___ outta here!!!!
>
>
>
>15) TRY SAYING:
>I don't think you understand.
>INSTEAD OF:
>F___ outta here!!!!
>
>
>
>16) TRY SAYING:
>I love a challenge.
>INSTEAD OF:
>THIS….is some bulls____!!!!
>
>
>
>17) TRY SAYING:
>You want me to take care of that?
>INSTEAD OF:
>Who the f___ died and made you boss?
>
>
>
>18 ) TRY SAYING:
>He's somewhat insensitive.
>INSTEAD OF:
>He's a f____in' d____head!!!!
>
>
>
>Pennsylvania State Department - Human Resources
>

Two Sisters

Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. They learn there's a bull for sale at a ranch about 100 miles away and they decide the one sister should check it out.

Before leaving, the one tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

She arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help! her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, she only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

She explains, "My sister's blonde.. The word's big. She'll read it slow. -com-for-da-bul.

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we
had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway,
I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from
grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45
in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given
up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back....

Statues/request

Statues

There were two stone statues in a cemetery standing on pedestals facing each other across a large tomb. One of the statues was a naked man and the other a voluptuous naked woman. They had been standing in these positions, rain, wind and sun, for one hundred years. One day an angel came down to them and said, "We have been watching you and have decided to take pity on you. After standing there for one hundred years looking at each other you must be feeling very frustrated, so we have decided to give you twenty minutes of life to do what you have been wanting to do for all these years."

"Oh, thankyou", said the statues as they leapt off their pedestals and ran into the nearby bushes. There was a tremendous amount of rustling and giggling. After ten minutes the two statues reappeared hand in hand with wide grins on their faces. "My word, you were quick, you're a bit premature", ejaculated the angel, "You still have another ten minutes."

"O.K." said the statues, and the male turned to the female and said, "It's your turn now. I'll hold the pigeon and you s hit on it."

Request

A radio presenter was running his daily request programme and read out the next request for a record. "This next request has been sent in by Rebecca, she wants us to play a record for her father who is 111."

"Goodness me!" said the presenter. (He was very polite). "111, that's a great age, your father must have many memories."

During the record he suggested to his producer that they bring the old man into the studio so that they might talk to him.

When the record finished he said, "Rebecca, all of us her are astounded to hear you father is 111 years old. He must have some wonderful memories to relate. We would love to have him come into the studio and share these with our listeners if he is willing. We have laid on refreshments and organised a limousine to bring him in when it is convenient."

So he went on to play the next request feeling very pleased with himself. During the record he received a frantic phone call from Rebecca.

"You will have to cancel the limousine," she said, "My father isn't 111 he's ill."

panties on clothes line

Cowboy Phrases

Subject: Cowboy Phrases Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned
Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! N now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

Good neighbours

funny neighbour plant

Cat got your Tonga?

On a south Pacific island ruled by a king, there wasn’t much in the way of building materials except for grass. Everything was made from it; houses, furniture, carts, even the king’s throne. The king had the only two story grass mansion on the island, while all others had grass huts. When the throne wore out, which happened fairly often, the king had his joker throw it up in the attic with all the rest. One day the straw throne that broke the camels back was hurled up there and that pile of old thrones came down on the king killing him. Thus the saying, “He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t store thrones.”

Two blondes are cruising down the street in a late model SUV. A police
officer pulls them over, and as he is walking up to the car he is unzipping
his trousers! The blonde driver sees this in the sideview mirror and says:
"Oh no, not the breathalyzer test again!"

-----------------------------

A lawyer had parked his BMW in its customary spot, along the curb in front
of his office. As he opened the door to exit the vehicle, a big ol' gnarly
cadillac with rusted paint and a broken windshield came sliding by, and
clipped the door right off the hinges, sending it flying. The caddy just
kept right on going.

There happened to be a police officer across the street and as he ran to the
scene the lawyer was out and screaming "OFFICER! DID YOU SEE WHAT THAT GUY
DID TO MY BEEMERRRRRRR??!!!

The policemen just shook his head, and said "You know, you are so worried
about whats happened to your car, you have not even noticed whats happened
to your arm.

The lawyer casts a horrified glance over at his left arm, which to his
further horror is now just a bloody stump. Wide eyed, he points his nose to
the sky and brays:" OH NOOOOOOOO! WHERES MY ROLEX??!!

-----------------------

A Tennessee country dweller was stopped by a TVA agent (game warden) in
Tennessee recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well
known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand
these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim
'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice
chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said, "It's the truth Mr.Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The man said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the man.

We in Tennessee may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as
dumb as most government employees.

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...

Purina Diet.

I used to have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked why I wound up in the hospital and if I'd been poisoned by eating dog food. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

What were the first words Adam said to Eve?

Stand back I don't know how big this thing gets!

What would you do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, see answer below....

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him". He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Denis explained.....

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog
and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's different.".

The Loving Husband... elderly couple

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Four liquid stages of life

liquid containers

Mental Health Day/funny

20 Ways To Maintain Mental Health

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and
point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds
All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock
Hard."

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..Its Called
Therapy...

sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,
"How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Forgotten Anniversary

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds, AND IT HAD BETTER BE
THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small
box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale...

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

This is just too clever for words

Subject: As You Slide Down the Banister of Life . . .

For ye lovers of words˜philologists (from the Greek "philo" lover, and
"logos" words:

DORMITORY