1998 joke collection, part 2

humor 98 part 2


Subject: Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned


No Matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint.

Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts - no matter how cute the
underwear is.


Once upon a time, long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four
of his elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce the
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee
and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found
the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went
to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the
door. He opened the door and there was a cute little angel with
a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you
like me to put this tree Santa?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of
the Christmas tree....


Subject: Pearly Gates



St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw
Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the
gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their
background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve
entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus
summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus
peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did
you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me
about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"


Subject: Protestant


Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children
in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said
"Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"


A man was driving down the street when he saw a little boy with a
> fireman's hat on sitting in a little red wagon being pulled by a
> black dog. He thought that this has to be the cutest thing I've ever
> seen. I've got to stop and talk to this little boy. He got out,
> looked and said "Son, that sure is a nice fire engine you've got
> there but, don't you think he would pull a little better if you had
> that rope tied around his neck instead of his balls?" The little boy
> looked at him and said, "Well, I guess he'd pull better but, then I
> wouldn't have a siren!" >>
A "rerun" but worthy of repeating. . .

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his
face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the
priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk man muttered,
returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does."