2012 collection, Humour

links to older pages

heard a good one lately please send it to jokes@newmantools.com

updated March 2013


An Old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.


He says to her, "Hey miss, would  you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. 


He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.


"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.


"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"


So the little old   man runs around the next block and faces her again.


"Would you let me bite your breasts -  just once - for  $10,000?!"


She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."


So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and

starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.


The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'


"Nah," says the little old man...

"Costs too much!"



I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......



A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
 Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud
 shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that
 I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of
 Heaven ? '

 The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from

 Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter
the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out ,

'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take
this cotton robe
and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a
pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get
only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you
preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'



A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady
says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
















"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


 Mr. Smith had a bad car accident involving a large truck.


    Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning  Mr. Smith.


    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"  asked the lawyer.


    Mr. Smith responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I just put my dog Lassie, into the..."


    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question."  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!'?"


    Mr. Smith said, "Well, I just got Lassie into the car and was driving down the road...."


    "The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am  trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the  accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after  the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Mr. Smith's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Lassie."


    Mr. Smith thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, like I  was saying, I just loaded Lassie, my lovely  hound dog, into the car and was driving him down the highway  when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign  and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and lassie was thrown into the other. I was  hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Lassie moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible shape just by his groans.


    Then a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear  Lassie moaning and groaning so he went over to him.


    After he looked at him, and saw what terrible condition Lassie was in, he took out his gun and shoots him  between the eyes. Then the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"


    "Now, Judge, what would you say?"


1.     I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


2.     When chemists die, they barium.


3.     Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


4.     I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


5.     How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


6.     I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


7.     This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


8.     I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


9.     I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


10.  They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.


11.   Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


12.   We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


13.   I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


14.   Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


15.   When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.


16.   Broken pencils are pointless.


17.     I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


18.     What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


19.     England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


20.     I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


21.     I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


22.     All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.


23.     I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


24.     Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

25.   Velcro — what a rip off!


26.     A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


27.     Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!





A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.  She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

About 15 minutes later, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.  She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.  "We cannot chew them because we have no teeth,"  she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."


A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.

"I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."




Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years.  When they first got married Bill said,

"I am putting a box under the bed.  You must promise never to look in it".  In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.  However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.  In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.  She closed the box and put it back under the bed.


Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner.  After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying "I am sorry.  For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed.  However, today temptation was too much and I gave in.  But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"


Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.  Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can  in the box to remind myself not to do it again".


Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess

after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess  that 3 times is not that bad considering the years".


They hugged and made their peace.  A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"


Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in".  



This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.



An elderly couple are attending church services.


About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.


It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"


He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


An  elderly  man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Roger, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Roger,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,


Three wonderful women were all applying for the last available position on the Brewster Police Dept.


The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,


 "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"


They all nodded.


The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,


"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.


You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."


So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first woman  and withdrew it after about two seconds.




 He said,


"Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"


The woman immediately  said,


"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said,


 "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!

It's a profile of his face!


You're dismissed!"


The first  woman  hung her head and walked out of the office.


The detective then turned to the second woman, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,


"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"


"Yes! He only has one ear!"


The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,


"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?


This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!


You're excused too!"


The second woman sheepishly  walked out of the office.


The detective turned his attention to the third and last woman and said,


 "This is probably a waste of time, but...."


He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,


 "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"


The  woman  said,


 "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."


The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.


 He looked up at the woman with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right!


His bio says he wears contacts!


How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"


The woman rolled her eyes and said,


 "Well,  Hellooooooooooooo! With only

One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."


A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met
the woman of his dreams! Now what should he do?

His mother advised: "Send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your
place for a home-cooked meal!"

So that's what he did. His mother called the day after the big date to see
how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

"I send him to MY room!"


A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked "What exactly are you looking for?"

This was her description: "He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: "Buy a television."


Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot".

I call mine "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the Treasurer's office to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a licence for Sex.  The officer told me "I would like to have one too". Then I said "But this is for my dog".  He said he didn't care what she looked like. But I said "you don't understand, I have had Sex since I was nine years old".  He told me I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted  a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.  The clerk informed me that every room was for sex. I said "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition, he ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there.  I told him that I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets on my own.  "No, no, you do not understand I had hoped to have Sex on t.v."  He called me an exhibitionist.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.  I said "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said "Big Deal".

Last night Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around for him.  A policeman came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?".   I told him I was looking for Sex.  My case comes up on Friday !!.


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...








When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.

Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.

Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.

Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure
enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.


What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and oral thermometer?

The flavor! 



What did the leper say to the prostitute after their business deal was completed?

Keep the tip! 



What do you call the foreskin on a queer?

Mud flap! 



What do you call the herpes blisters on the shaft of a big black guy?

Speed bumps! 


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started.......



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...



Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."



I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...


I got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"


A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"It should be around your neck," says the guard.

"I know," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."


Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's  work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.  She was astonished. Something's up!!

It turned out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to entertain their husbands

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really  enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends."

Oh, that was perfect too......... Charley was too tired!"


A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"



I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."






A young man walked into a jeweler shop one Friday with a stunning lady at his side.

"I am looking for a special ring for my girlfriend." He said.  The jeweler looked through his stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $4,000.


"You do not understand, I want something very unique,"  the young man said. At  that, the jeweller fetched his special stock from the safe.  "Here is one stunning ring I had kept for a special woman.  Since you want something special for the stunning lady I will sell it to you for $50,000."

The woman's eyes lit up and started to sparkle.  Seeing this, the young man said he would take it.

"How are you paying sir? I will pay by check.  But of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so, I will write the check now and you can phone the bank tomorrow.  Then I will pick up the ring on Monday.  Is that okay with you?"  the man asked.  The jeweler agreed.


Monday morning a frustrated jeweler phoned the young man.  "You fraud.  You lied.  There is no money in that account!"

"I know, but can you imagine what a great weekend I had?"


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for  a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with


One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years sees a speck on the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It is certainly not a ship."  And, as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerges from the surf a wet-suited black-clad figure.  Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stands a drop-dead gorgeous woman.  She goes to the stunned man and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you have had a cigarette.?"
"Ten years," replies the amazed man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a water-proof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it up and takes a long drag. 'That is so good.  I had almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And so how long has it been since you have had a drop of good whiskey?" asks the woman. "Trembling the castaway says, "Ten years.". Hearing that the woman reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there, removes a flask and hands it to him.  The man eagerly opens the flask and takes a long drink. "Tis is truly fantastic" he states.
At this point the gorgeous woman starts to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit right down to her middle.  She looks at the trembling man and asks, "How long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes the man falls to his knees and sobs, "don't tell me you have got golf clubs in there too!".


A Real Man is....

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

 He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

 He will enable her to express her deepest
emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

 He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will
enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No, wait!

Sorry, I'm thinking of wine. That's what wine does.
Never mind!


It was my first time visiting Dr. Smith for a colonoscopy.

I went into his office for my first rectal exam.


His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.

She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me .

She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.


While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:


A Tube of K-Y jelly,

A rubber glove

A beer  


 When Dr. Smith finally came in I said,

"Look Doc", I'm a little confused

This is my first exam.


I know what the K-Y is for,


And I know what the glove is for,


But can you tell me what the BEER is for?"


At that, Doctor Smith became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.


He flung the door open and yelled to his new nurse,


"Dang it, Evelyn !!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"



 A market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.


He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.


When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product.


When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."


When asked how she used it, she said, "When I am intimate with my spouse."


The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"


"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." 








links to older pages

2011 page 2 collection

2011 page 1 collection

2009 collection,

2007 collection:


2006 collection:

2004 collection


2000 collection


98 parts





Thanks to my regular contributors, Jaz, Hanna, Pat, Dave, Barbara, Alex and others without names


Sign up for our Email Newsletter
For Email Marketing you can trust

servicing the Canadian provinces of Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Quebec, Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta ,British Columbia and the states of Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin,Wyoming We can ship via UPS to Afghanistan , Aland Islands , Albania , Algeria , American Samoa , Andorra , Angola , Anguilla , Antigua & Barbuda , Argentina , Armenia , Aruba , Australia , Austria , Azerbaijan , Azores , Bahamas , Bahrain , Bangladesh , Barbados , Belarus , Belgium , Belize , Benin , Bermuda , Bhutan , Bolivia , Bonaire , Bosnia , Botswana , Brazil , British Virgin Isles , Brunei , Bulgaria , Burkina Faso , Burundi , Cambodia , Cameroon , Canada , Canary Islands , Cape Verde , Cayman Islands , Central African Republic , Chad , Chile , China , Colombia , Comoros , Congo , Cook Islands , Costa Rica , Croatia , Curacao , Cyprus , Czech Republic , Democratic Republic of Congo , Denmark , Djibouti , Dominica , Dominican Republic , Ecuador , Egypt , El Salvador , England , Equatorial Guinea , Eritrea , Estonia , Ethiopia , Faeroe Islands , Fiji , Finland , France , French Guiana , French Polynesia , Gabon , Gambia , Georgia , Germany , Ghana , Gibraltar , Greece , Greenland , Grenada , Guadeloupe , Guam , Guatemala , Guernsey , Guinea , Guinea-Bissau , Guyana , Haiti , Holland , Honduras , Hong Kong , Hungary , Iceland , India , Indonesia , Iraq , Ireland , Israel , Italy , Ivory Coast , Jamaica , Japan , Jersey , Jordan , Kazakhstan , Kenya , Kiribati , Kosrae , Kuwait , Kyrgyzstan , Laos , Latvia , Lebanon , Lesotho , Liberia , Libya , Liechtenstein , Lithuania , Luxembourg , Macau , Macedonia (Fyrom) , Madagascar , Madeira , Malawi , Malaysia , Maldives , Mali , Malta , Marshall Islands , Martinique , Mauritania , Mauritius , Mayotte , Mexico , Micronesia , Moldova , Monaco , Mongolia , Montenegro , Montserrat , Morocco , Mozambique , N. Mariana Islands , Namibia , Nepal , Netherlands , Netherlands Antilles , New Caledonia , New Zealand , Nicaragua , Niger , Nigeria , Norfolk Island , Northern Ireland , Norway , Oman , Pakistan , Palau , Panama , Papua New Guinea , Paraguay , Peru , Philippines , Poland , Ponape , Portugal , Puerto Rico , Qatar , Reunion , Romania , Rota , Russia , Rwanda , Saba , Saipan , San Marino , Saudi Arabia , Scotland , Senegal , Serbia , Seychelles , Sierra Leone , Singapore , Slovakia , Slovenia , Solomon Islands , South Africa , South Korea , Spain , Sri Lanka , St. Barthelemy , St. Christopher , St. Croix , St. Eustatius , St. John , St. Kitts & Nevis , St. Lucia , St. Maarten , St. Martin , St. Thomas , St. Vincent/Grenadines , Suriname , Swaziland , Sweden , Switzerland , Syria , Tahiti , Taiwan , Tajikistan , Tanzania , Thailand , Timor Leste , Tinian , Togo , Tonga , Tortola , Trinidad & Tobago , Truk , Tunisia , Turkey , Turkmenistan , Turks & Caicos Islands , Tuvalu , Uganda , Ukraine , Union Island , United Arab Emirates , United Kingdom , United States , Uruguay, US Virgin Islands , Uzbekistan , Vanatu , Vatican City State , Venezuela , Vietnam , Virgin Gorda , Wales , Wallia & Futuna Islands , Western Samoa , Yap , Yemen , Zambia , Zimbabwe
we try to ship to the world largest cities Tokyo,Japan, Seoul, South Korea, Mexico City, Mexico , New York City, USA , Mumbai, India , Jakarta, Indonesia , Sáo Paulo, Brazil, Delhi, India , Osaka/Kobe, Japan , Shanghai, China , Manila, Philippines ,Los Angeles, USA ,Calcutta, India , Moscow, Russian Fed., Cairo, Egypt, Lagos, Nigeria, Buenos Aires, Argentina , London, United Kingdom , Beijing, China , Karachi, Pakistan , Dhaka, Bangladesh , Rio de Janeiro, Brazil ,Tianjin, China , Paris, France , Istanbul, Turkey , Lima, Peru , Tehrãn, Iran, Bangkok, Thailand , Chicago, USA , Bogotá, Colombia , Hyderabad, India , Chennai, India , Essen, Germany , Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam , Hangzhou, China , Hong Kong, China , Lahore, Pakistan , Shenyang, China , Changchun, China , Bangalore, India , Harbin, China , Chengdu, China , Santiago, Chile ,Guangzhou, China , St. Petersburg, Russian Fed , Kinshasa, DRC , Baghdãd, Iraq , Jinan, China , Houston, USA , Toronto, Canada, Yangon, Myanmar (Burma), Alger, Algeria Philadelphia, USA, Qingdao, China , Milano, Italy , Pusan, South Korea, Belo Horizonte, Brazil, Almadabad, India , Madrid, Spain , San Francisco, USA, Alexandria, Egypt , Washington DC, USA , Wuhan, China , Dallas, USA , Guadalajara, Mexico, Chongging, China , Medellin, Colombia, Detroit, USA , Handan, China , Frankfurt, Germany , Porto Alegre, Brazil , Hanoi, Vietnam , Sydney, Australia, Santo Domingo, Dom. Rep., Singapore, Singapore , Casablanca, Morocco , Katowice, Poland , Pune, India , Bangdung, Indonesia, Monterrey, Mexico ,Montréal, Canada , Nagoya, Japan , Nanjing, China , Abidjan, Côte d'Ivoire, Xi'an, China , Berlin, Germany , Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, Recife, Brazil , Dusseldorf, Germany, Ankara, Turkey , Melbourne, Australia, Salvador, Brazil , Dalian, China , Caracas, Venezuela, Adis Abeba, Ethiopia, Athina, Greece, Cape Town, South Africa, Koln, Germany , Maputo, Mozambique, Napoli, Italy